It would be far too easy to draft some sort of generic lifestyle blog-type listicle about the various merits of ferry journeys to and from a range of middle-class and just-unaffordable destinations. But that would be pretentious and shite.
Who actually travels for the destination? You’re doing it solely for the journey, right? Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on some fish-smelling tub in the North Sea to a dying container port in the Low Countries.
In this guide I’m going to rank the top five ferries I’ve been on this year, based solely on what the ships themselves are like. Not the journey, not the destination, not the price. Just what they are like.
5. MV Carvoria, Caledonian MacBrayne
It’s cute and all that, but it’s tiny. A good traveller knows where their next two meals are coming from, yet little Carvoria offers little in the way of sustenance.
It also lacks seats, leaving weary adventurers to find their sea legs as the tiny craft tosses and turns in the Kerrera Sound like an insomniac after a night on the bevvy.
It’s a wee bit on the drafty side, too.
4. MS Pride of Canterbury, P&O Ferries
One can only presume that the people of Canterbury don’t know of the monstrosity that takes the name of their beloved town, for a riot would surely result if they did.
This fetid heap crosses the Channel as fast as any other vessel, but you’ll really wish it could go quicker. The only benefit of being on board is that you don’t have to look at the Soviet Playmobil exterior.
3. MS Spirit of Britain, P&O Ferries
What is the Spirit of Britain? Absinthe, maybe? The younger sibling of Pride of Kent, the Spirit manages to combine a near-identical interior with a slightly less brutalist exterior.
To give credit to P&O, the sole purpose of this brute is to make money and it really shows. A Coke is £2.80. Bon App-a-tit.
2. MV Isle of Lewis, Caledonian MacBrayne
Compared with the previous three ships, the Lewis is a work of art. The traditional colours on the hull hark back to the heyday of merchant shipping, while the insides have distinct nineties feel to them.
The exceptionally large lounges and bar are certainly comfortable enough for her five-hour jaunts in the Atlantic Ocean, but you’d be mad not to try the (in)famous Mariners Cafeteria.
1. MS Stena Hollandica, Stena Line
Any ship that you can sleep on is a good ship in my good, and the Stena Hollandica is a ferry you can sleep well on.
If you’ve the luxury of not having a car with you, you can have a fairly decent meal, get pissed and then sleep it off. The room will only be spinning from the £4 vodka shots, rather than the sturdy boat’s movement.
The cabins are surprisingly big, given ferry companies’ general wish to squeeze every from their punters. So much so that you could comfortably spend the entire journey there without much trouble.
Well, unless you’re travelling during the day.
Crappy 